>>13016459>Continuation of Critique for story http://pastebin.com/tAKLft1Y and anyone else who is interested.Now then, you have the kernel of a good story, but there are some fairly big things holding it back.
Your pacing is all over the place. What do I mean by that?
Well, the first part of your story reads almost like a flashback on Anon’s part.
The problem is that it’s way too long for a flashback.
And if it is not meant to be a flashback, then it is way too rushed.
It either needs to be a shorter, more concise flashback, or it need to be an expanded, more detailed account of Anon getting situated in Equestria.
Keep in mind though, that we have had a ton of Anon in Equestria stories already.
You may want to ask yourself if perhaps the first part of your story isn’t a little superfluous.
What I mean is, you could probably condense the first eight parts of your story into just one or two parts and we probably wouldn’t lose anything.
The rest of the story is fairly rushed.
I think the main problem is that you spend so much on the first half that when you get to the main point of the tale you feel that you don’t have the room to expand on it.
I think that focusing on the important elements of your story (the old millionaire, his plot for the mansion, the hidden village, and Anon’s new bat pony friend) will allow you to describe them in greater detail.
That’s enough criticism for now I think.
You have a neat idea in this story. I hope you continue it.
Remember:
Pick a tense and stick to it.
Cut out the cruft and focus in on the important stuff.
And expand on the things that need expanding (like character actions and dialogue, and fleshing out location details)
I hope this helps in your future writing.
Cheers.
>That was it. Now besides the advice itself, would more writers like more detailed breakdowns of their stories like this? >I’m genuinely curious. (3/3)
